So What’s Therapy Like, Anyway?

Coming to therapy can be intimidating. If you’ve never been, you might not know what to expect or what the process looks like.  Even if you have been before, the process might be confusing or perhaps you feel as though you didn’t get very much out of it.  As an existential and relational therapist, I very much believe in what the research over the last few decades has shown: The greatest indicator for therapeutic success is the relationship between client and therapist - how does it feel to sit with your therapist?  What does it mean to have a relationship in a therapeutic context?  And what the hell is an existential therapist anyway?

I recently rewatched Groundhog Day.  If you’ve never seen it, it’s a movie that has Bill Murray’s character, Phil Connors, reliving the same day over and over again.  While some aspects of the film haven’t aged well (it was the 90s, the era of romantic comedies, and a lot of them portray gender dynamics that are not great), I find that the core aspect of Phil’s struggle for meaning in a confusing and pointless experience still resonate today.  By some estimates, Phil goes through 33 years of the same day. Throughout the film he grapples with his situation - the frustration, the animosity, the joy of freedom from consequences, and the inevitable, interminable meaninglessness of realizing that nothing he does impacts anything. In the middle of the film this culminates in suicidal inclinations as a hope to end the unending cycle.  Towards the end of the film, the tone shifts towards Phil attempting to find meaning in his situation. He learns to play the piano.  He memorizes French poetry.  He picks up ice sculpting.  He saves people’s lives. He learns everything about everyone in the small town of Punxsutawney.

It struck me how similar this is to the circuitous and spiraling process that all of us go through when trying to comprehend an experience, and also how similar it is to the process of therapy itself.  To understand the parts of a thing we also need to understand the whole.  Hermeneutics - the name for how we attempt to understand something by zooming in and zooming out, using the smaller pieces to understand the larger picture and the larger picture to make sense of the smaller pieces - is a frame that I use frequently in my practice.

This frame allows for curiosity, exploration, and discovery on the part of both myself and my client.  Therapy is an iterative process where both of us continue to circle around an experience or topic again and again, coming closer and closer both to understanding each other and the experience itself. This process encourages an empowerment of my client to make their own choices that feel meaningful, impactful, and aligned with their values.

 Viewed another way, imagine that you’re standing in the middle of a spiral staircase.  If you look up or look down, it’s difficult to tell what floor you’re on.  Are you on the fourth floor?  The thirteenth?  The thirtieth?  But if you were able to view the staircase from the side it would look very different.  You would be able to see the different levels, the distance you’ve come, and the distance there still is yet to go.  This is partly why therapy can feel confusing at times - you’re in the midst of it.  This is also why a therapist can be helpful - while we are involved in this cycle of understanding with you, we are also separate and apart, able to act as a guide in your process of discovery and exploration. 

Thinking again of Groundhog Day, at times it can feel like Phil is trying to get it right.  At other times throughout the movie, Phil tries his best to adapt to his situation; to let go of the need to get it right, to chart a particular path, and simply attempts to create as much meaning in his situation as possible. This, too, reminds me of therapy.  While the exercise of processing and understanding does involve the hermeneutic circle (zooming in, zooming out, the larger bits informing the smaller and vice-versa), the movement towards some predetermined rightness can get in the way of curiosity, exploration, and discovery. It limits maneuverability, both on the part of myself and you, and creates an artificial conclusion to what is, ultimately, an ongoing cycle.  As an existential-phenomenological therapist, both understanding and meaning-making hold equal importance - it’s important to know how you are in the world (understanding) and it’s equally important to create meaning through choice and commitment in an otherwise indifferent world (the kind of world Phil experienced throughout the movie).  

So what is this like in practice, and what can you expect from therapy?  I view therapy as a sitting with or witnessing; creating space and allowing for the nonjudgmental exploration and consideration of which adaptations to make, when to make them, and why.  As an existential, humanistic, and relational therapist, therapy is typically conversational and informal. I want to get to know you and attempt to understand your experiences the way you understand them in the hopes that you will also come to understand yourself in additional ways and from other perspectives. With a deeper understanding, you’re better equipped to make choices and choose commitments that feel significant and meaningful to you. So while therapy can feel confusing or even repetitive at times, that’s not a sign that you’re doing it wrong - that’s part of the process. Together, we’re making sense of things.  Circling, zooming in and out, and attempting to find meaning and understanding in what at first may feel like chaos.